More Questions Less Answers...

I think the more I live, the more questions I have. I am finding myself asking a lot of whys to God, like why God do I have to go through this again or why God am I feeling this way? Why God do people change, feelings change, situations change? God why do I feel hurt over this? Or why did things not turn out the way I expected...? It could be because of where I am in life right now or it could just be the raw reality of life that we ask why. Some times I hate it. I hate not having answers or being able to see the bigger picture. As much as I love hindsight, I also hate it at times because it is when I am in the situation I just wish I understood. I think both hindsight and the why questions all lead us to learning. I feel like I am learning a lot right now. I even made a comment to a friend where I said I have learned more in the last three months then I think I have learned in a really long time. I think learning comes from pain, learning comes from trial, learning comes from experience, from exposure. I always pray to grow in wisdom and discernment, God only knows if I am. Yet, whether I am or I am not, one thing I do know for sure is that I am learning. I am learning that my expectations are not always God's expectations. I am learning to love and be patient. I am learning to let go of things and people. I am learning to not take things so darn personal. I am learning that good things come in time and some times good things are really, really hard at first. I am learning to rely on truth not on feeling. I am learning that true friendship is something that reveals itself in distance and time, not in commonalities. I am learning to just be confident in my skin and to know my value. I am learning to trust God and all that comes with it. Simply put, I am just learning. Sometimes it hurts to learn, like today. Today I had a really, really emotionally hard day. On the outside I looked fine, but on the inside I was a train wreck. I feel like today I felt every emotion. I was nervous, anxious, sad, happy, angry, tired, excited, etc. Today it hurt to go through my day, which i think is partially due to the fact that I have a lot going on both inside me and around me. I also think that with going from America straight back into my life here in Rwanda so quickly has also affected me a bit. Also, when I think about my friends, family, my best friend, or nephew who will not be the same little guy he is now when I return brings me to tears to think about. There are other things going on as well that have just either hurt my feelings or affected me in some way. All of these things do fall into the bigger picture, but like today I sit here and just ask why God? Why do I feel this way today? Or why do I have to go through these things and these emotions? I definitely don't have the answers and may never, but there is one thing I am confident of and that is that I don't have to know and that in time those answers may come or they may not, but frankly does it really matter? I guess what really matters is that I keep showing up each day and giving that day whether good, bad, or just plain old ugly to the Lord. Today is just one of those days, and so despite how it went or how I feel here I am giving it...